We don’t know when it happened. Well, it was around 2010, according to TimeMagazine. But suddenly we can’t get through a holiday season without our ugly sweaters.
Amber loves to sport her favorite one, with the strategically placed rose covering her boob. She swears it’s lovely. And it’s from Nordstrom! So it’s okay.
She pulls it out every Christmas. Well, that’s not true. She wears it year-round. But the point is this, ladies: Ugly sweater season is here, and how can we make the most of this ugly tradition? Pour your nog, friends, we have some thoughts.
Embrace it. The truth is the easiest way to get through it all is to just find that ugly sweater. The uglier the better. Take Amber’s lead and whip out your own nipple. Apparently, you don’t even need a flower. Any of Santa’s helpers will do. Why, Rudolph, is it cold in here?
Seriously, if you don’t have anything hidden in your own closet, get yourself to all the stores who are catering to this trend, er, capitalizing on this opportunity. Nordstrom, Kohl’s, Walmart. They are here for you. And because Ugly Sweater extravaganzas aren’t going away anytime soon, consider it an investment. Although we don’t know how well Rudolph is going to hold up in the wash.
Make your own.
As if the holidays aren’t hard enough, apparently you can make them harder by creating your own ugly sweater. Amber swore there were kits for this. Of course, I didn’t believe her. But again, there is Google.
Sure enough, “Let’sGet Ugly” is available at Bed Bath & Beyond – marked down to$6.99. I believe you have to get your own sweater though. And there are no reviews. Trust your gut here. I say, Amber can make a sweater, and I’ll make a drink.
Speaking of kits, it also seems there’s no reason to limit your ugly sweater to something you have to wear. Hell, you can eat this lovely tradition. Also available at Walmart is an ugly sweater cookie decorating kit. This is truly for the Christmas die-hards who want to bring out their creativity, and honestly, their tweezers. Check out the finished project.
Try our cute sweaters instead.
If all this is too much, we don’t blame you. Besides, there are so many times in our lives when we’re accidentally ugly, why would we do it on purpose?
Instead, snub the trend and get a sweater that’s truly cute. We love this oversized grey sweater. Warm and cozy, even your nipples won’t show.
Another great look for any holiday party: The dusty pink v-neck sweater. The look is dressy with a wide v-cut scoop neck and breast pocket detail. Relaxed yet slimming, the look is hard to achieve anywhere else. Even with a kit!
Finally, ugly sweater or cute sweater, it’s sweater weather and ugly sweater season. Do what you got to do to get through it, even if you need a giant boob rose. Or two. And in the meantime, we wish you all a MerryChristmas.
First of all, there actually is a National Poinsettia Day, and it’s the 12th!
It turns out that long before we were building walls, we were celebrating our “cultural bridges” with Mexico. In America, on National Poinsettia Day, we commemorate Joel Poinsett’s discovery of the plant. In Mexico, they display the poinsettia on the “Day of the Virgin.”
Well, there’s no virgins here. At Nixon & Co, we celebrate this beautiful plant by singing rounds and rounds of “Percy the Puny Poinsettia.”
Seriously. This is a song, although only Kelly knows about it.
It seems the people who brought us “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” also penned this poignant tune with these awe-inspiring words:
Percy the puny poinsettia
Is hanging his bloom in dismay
If they had just kept him wetta
He’d be a houseplant today
I didn’t believe any of this, until now, when I Googled it. Here I found the rest of the lyrics, and wept at how they rhymed “setta” with “wetta,” “redda,” and “betta.”
So I’m just going to move on to the other ways it’s recommended to celebrate this day. The experts offer these three ideas:
Make a poinsettia punch. Confirming my suspicions that the Internet is a scary, scary place, this is actually suggested. Blend together 14 ounces of cranberry juice with 20 ounces of ginger ale. Of course, the main problem here is that this idea exists. The other problem is that it doesn’t call for vodka.
Decorate with poinsettia-inspired designs. Wow, that’s creative. I don’t think I’ll be able to pull that off by the 12th on account of I’m not crafty. And oh yeah, that idea just lulled me into a coma of boredom.
Alas, they say, visit your local botanical gardens and see all the “amazing varieties” of this holiday flower. Maybe this might work. Again, if you add vodka.
Recognizing that all these ideas suck, and still wondering why no one has ever heard of Percy the Puny Poinsettia, the girls thought of other suggestions that might be “betta.”
Give someone a poinsettia. Or initiate a gift-giving tradition, where everyone has to give someone a gift that starts with the first letter of their name. This way, your friend Patty could have her beautiful poinsettia. And Kelly could get her KY Jelly, and Melissa, her marijuana, and Amber, her Ambien. Or an assault rifle. I don’t write this stuff, ladies. I simply report it.
Skip the poinsettia altogether. They never last. Even the ones that aren’t puny. And besides that, they’re poisonous to dogs and cats, and you know how sensitive the girls are about their killer plants. The truth is that poinsettias aren’t actually poisonous.They’re only mildly toxic. (I don’t make this stuff up.) Look for drooling, licking lips, and vomiting. This is in your pets – not you.
Finally, just wear something red. Like these incredible bell-bottom corduroy pants. Well, technically they’re rust. But with the smooth waistline finish and trendy legs, you couldn’t look more stylish. Unless of course, you were holding a poinsettia.
We leave you now to carve out your own National Poinsettia Day festivities. Tell us how you’ll be celebrating. Or just come by and let us know if you’ve ever heard of Percy. Bring your flowers. We’ll bring the vodka.
No, seriously. We’re not talking about refraining from giving people a hard time or a bad attitude. We’re talking about not giving people crap gifts. With the holidays approaching, the girls are taking on some important gift-giving advice. And, specifically, they’re calling a halt to giving crap no one wants.
Rule #1: Only make a gift if you’re talented.
Here, the girls want to be clear: Homemade gifts are lovely. Especially if you are skilled artist or you have access to a loom. Or you’re 5. Or, you’re an award-winning baker with a commercial kitchen. And you don’t allow cats on your counter.
But if none of these qualifiers apply to you, we’re going to need you to set that glue gun down. Unless you’re making a solid living on Etsy, no one wants your crap. Even if you think you make a fantastic wreath (ahem, Melissa), please rethink.
Rule #2: Only give if you mean it.
Another gift-giving guideline involves when you should – or shouldn’t – give. This one comes from Kelly: Only give a gift if your heart is telling you to. Don’t buy a gift (and of course, don’t make a gift) just because you feel obligated. Too many people do this, she says. Instead, give because you love that person and because they enrich your life.
Yeah, says Melissa. Give them an Oreo.
Sometimes these meetings just confuse me. Where’s that wine?
Rule #3: Reuse a gift.
Here, I thought the girls were advising to not re-gift. Of course! Good idea! It is safe to assume that if you don’t want the pink roses Yankee Candle, no one else does either. Get these things out of circulation, along with the gift bags they came in!
Wait! Apparently, this pointer doesn’t involve re-gifting. What the girls were talking about is actually re-using. Uh, ladies… Could you elaborate? Well, they only had one example, and it came from Kelly: Say, if you receive a wreath made of wine corks, pull those suckers off and use them for something else. Like shutting up your mother-in-law on Christmas Day.
Rule #4: Get a cool gift from Nixon & Co.
Finally, the best rule for gift-giving came down to an obvious answer. Shop Nixon & Co in store or online, and you can’t go wrong. The girls agreed: Come into our classic and trendy boutique, or browse pages of stylish ideas here.
Another great gift: The confetti beanie from C.C. Beanies. One size fits all, even if your loved one’s noggin is the size of a melon. And with the comfy fit and plenty of stretch, this hat is practically a party on your head.
Need another idea? Moooo-ove over for this perfect-accessory Cowhide Clutch. The look is rustic yet sophisticated, casual yet classic. A medium size for maximum impact – it’s perfect for cell phones, keys, lipstick, oh, and corks.
In conclusion, with Nixon & Co, and our sage advice, you have options this holiday season. You can not give a crap and celebrate however you want. Or you can give a crap and let people know you care. But what you can’t do is givecrap. Step away from Pinterest, and throw out that glue gun. Give cause you mean it, and give things people actually want.
Come on in. We’ll set down the wine-bottle wreath we’re working on and give you a hand.
As a chill came into the air, the girls looked at the calendar — and the thermometer — and realized it’s November. And it’s time to address the change of seasons.
Although truthfully, Melissa said it’s not winter until the solstice in December. To which Kelly promptly replied, “Screw that. It’s winter.”
So, there’s that. And despite an overall dislike for all things cold, the girls embraced the topic and got to business. Now that winter is officially/not officially here, what do we all need to be doing?
Throw out the razors. What’s the first thing these empowered women of 2018 said? No Shave November is not just for men! Amen, sisters! We can – and should – stop shaving! Was this a rally cry of pink pussyhats? Was this an incredible way to celebrate winter? Or were the girls just getting lazy? I wasn’t sure.
Because they quickly moved on to assessing everyone’s understanding of this important month to raise awareness of men’s health.
It’s called No Shave November, right? Or is it MOVEMBER?
But why is it called that?, asked Amber.
Because “Mustache” and “No” make NOVEMBER!, exclaimed Melissa.
I’m not sure I followed, but Melissa seemed proud, and Amber seemed convinced. I was just glad these ladies validated my desire to stop shaving.
Cover the winter blubber. Next the girls lamented on how now that it’s winter, we can give up the dream of our summer bikini bodies. Screw it, they said! November is here and it’s the perfect time to hide any undesired blubber. Like with this black plaid scarf. It’s adorable, and it will dress up any outfit. It will also highlight your beautiful face, and not your ample ass.
Another look they love: The Oversize Plaid Blanket Scarf. If you’ve moved straight from beer to Halloween candy, your ears may perk up on this one. But, ahem ladies, we said oversize, not supersize! We’re referring to this 57- by 57-inch fabric of love. Nestle yourself in this warm layer, and you won’t come out till May. And if you gain weight through the holidays, no one will know! (Confused on WTF is a blanket scarf? Answers here.)
Rake your leaves. With a couple snowfalls under our belts, the girls had one last suggestion for how to prepare for winter. Rake the damn leaves. Especially if the leaves from your tree are blowing into your neighbor’s yard. And by the way, Kelly adds, pick up the dog poo before it snows again.
I sensed the conversation was getting heated, what with all the leaves and crap, so we steered back to fashion. And I gathered the true meaning of what the girls really wanted to say about raking, which is “You need this hat.” Now, that’s cute!
So, it may not be the winter solstice. But winter is still here, and so are the words of winter wisdom you’ve read here. Settle in, work on your wooly legs, and cover up everything you can’t stand to see. We’ll have your back. Even if it’s hairy.
Think “adulting” is an actual thing, and not just, well, a way of living.
This is because I’m quickly approaching 50. I’m tired. I’m practical. And I’m grateful, because I “can’t even” think of having to work this hard. And if you’re like me, we probably should hang out.
Like at the Nixon & Company “Old and Bold” Event!
Join us Thursday, November 1, for a special night of celebration for women in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond.
This is an event exclusively for mature women, who are too old to care, but too young to stop. So if you’ve lost your husband, soul mate, patience, or mind, you’ll want to be there.
But let us cut to the chase (that’s important at our age)
If your kids are in elementary school, this event is not for you.
If you hear “pamper” and think diapers – and not wine – you’re too young
If you’re coloring your hair to have fun, and not to cover gray, we don’t need your kind.
Instead, this is for you lovely ladies in your flirty 50s, sexy 60s, or sophisticated 70s, or for those already knocking on death’s door.
There will be apps and wine, shopping, beauty tips, Botox, apps, wine, shopping, Botox, good company, apps, and wine. Well, you get it.
There will also be real conversations that don’t involve Instagram, “Merica,” polyamorous relationships, or debate about who we identify as.
It’s a party for your people. People who understand rotary phones, busy signals, drinking from the hose, and manual transmissions. People who…
Pass by the neighborhood pool and think, “Oh thank God, I don’t have to go there.”
Flip consistently between Sirius Hits 1 and the 70s station.
Turn down the music in order to drive better.
Avoid having sex on top because of the view from the bottom.
Anyway, it’s a party for people who are shocked that Rose on the “Golden Girls” was only supposed to be 55! I know, right? I’m not lying – I get all my information from Yahoo Answers.
Join us in recognizing that old folks are old, but young folks are exhausting. Come make new friends, reconnect with old friends, or (who are we kidding) meet new old friends. Bring your maturity and your pragmatism. Sip wine. Sigh deep. Put up your feet and discuss the 80s, when life was good. We’ll see you there. But remember: We check IDs.
Yes, as a general rule, do not kill your boss’s cat. It worried me that this was the first item mentioned in the group brainstorm on how to celebrate National Boss’s Day. But they all quickly agreed on it.
It turns out Melissa did this to Kelly. Agreeing to kitty sit while Kelly was away, Melissa let said cat have the run of the house, where the cat soon discovered a taste for lilies, which turned out to be poisonous. Upon Kelly’s return, the cat unfortunately didn’t make it. But a lesson was learned: Don’t decorate with lilies. Another lesson: True friendship can sustain anything. And now Melissa’s daughter freely tells people: Do you know my mom killed her boss’s cat?
Our regards to PETA, this is a (somewhat) true story. And killing a cat is indeed not a way to celebrate National Boss’s Day, October 16th.
Fortunately, after toasting to the departed cat, the girls came up with other ideas. Here they are!
Give a gift with meaning.
Or not-so-hidden meaning! Passive-aggressive is a flavor we adore, and if the label fits, share it. Seriously, this looks like great wine, and we think any boss would love your kind words. Celebrate the big guy with this gift of the vineyard. If he doesn’t drink, that’s fine too. Enjoy the wine first and give him the bottle! You’re such a nimble employee!
Get them a gift that shows you care.
Another way to celebrate your boss is by letting her know you care about her health and well-being – especially her hydration levels. Encourage her to drink up with this 25-ounce, double-walled, stainless steel, BPA- and Phthalate-free water bottle. Does it say too much? Nah! Fill it with wine and you’ll take the edge right off!
You know: Like how thankful they should be that you showed up today! Just kidding. Gratitude Changes Everything, and it can lift spirits, transform morale, and create positive outcomes. Seriously, spend a few minutes meditating on all the things you’re grateful for and your outlook will shift instantly. But back to the point…
The Gratitude Apothecary Jar serves as a thoughtful reminder and a great gift. It also tells your boss to be thankful for you – the great employee who remembered this holiday.
These of course are just a few ideas for National Boss’s Day. We have more in store and online – shop now. The important thing is to do something to honor the person who signs your paycheck. Send a card, send a gift. Or drink some wine. Just don’t kill a pet. It’s a felony.