First of all, there actually is a National Poinsettia Day, and it’s the 12th!

It turns out that long before we were building walls, we were celebrating our “cultural bridges” with Mexico. In America, on National Poinsettia Day, we commemorate Joel Poinsett’s discovery of the plant. In Mexico, they display the poinsettia on the “Day of the Virgin.”

Well, there’s no virgins here. At Nixon & Co, we celebrate this beautiful plant by singing rounds and rounds of “Percy the Puny Poinsettia.”

Seriously. This is a song, although only Kelly knows about it.

It seems the people who brought us “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” also penned this poignant tune with these awe-inspiring words:

Percy the puny poinsettia
Is hanging his bloom in dismay
If they had just kept him wetta
He’d be a houseplant today

I didn’t believe any of this, until now, when I Googled it. Here I found the rest of the lyrics, and wept at how they rhymed “setta” with “wetta,” “redda,” and “betta.”

So I’m just going to move on to the other ways it’s recommended to celebrate this day. The experts offer these three ideas:

Make a poinsettia punch. Confirming my suspicions that the Internet is a scary, scary place, this is actually suggested. Blend together 14 ounces of cranberry juice with 20 ounces of ginger ale. Of course, the main problem here is that this idea exists. The other problem is that it doesn’t call for vodka.

Decorate with poinsettia-inspired designs. Wow, that’s creative. I don’t think I’ll be able to pull that off by the 12th on account of I’m not crafty. And oh yeah, that idea just lulled me into a coma of boredom.

Alas, they say, visit your local botanical gardens and see all the “amazing varieties” of this holiday flower. Maybe this might work. Again, if you add vodka.

Recognizing that all these ideas suck, and still wondering why no one has ever heard of Percy the Puny Poinsettia, the girls thought of other suggestions that might be “betta.”

Give someone a poinsettia. Or initiate a gift-giving tradition, where everyone has to give someone a gift that starts with the first letter of their name. This way, your friend Patty could have her beautiful poinsettia. And Kelly could get her KY Jelly, and Melissa, her marijuana, and Amber, her Ambien. Or an assault rifle. I don’t write this stuff, ladies. I simply report it.

Skip the poinsettia altogether. They never last. Even the ones that aren’t puny. And besides that, they’re poisonous to dogs and cats, and you know how sensitive the girls are about their killer plants. The truth is that poinsettias aren’t actually poisonous.They’re only mildly toxic. (I don’t make this stuff up.) Look for drooling, licking lips, and vomiting. This is in your pets – not you.

Finally, just wear something red. Like these incredible bell-bottom corduroy pants. Well, technically they’re rust. But with the smooth waistline finish and trendy legs, you couldn’t look more stylish. Unless of course, you were holding a poinsettia.

We leave you now to carve out your own National Poinsettia Day festivities. Tell us how you’ll be celebrating. Or just come by and let us know if you’ve ever heard of Percy. Bring your flowers. We’ll bring the vodka.