These are all the things I can’t (or won’t) do:

  • Figure out SnapChat.
  • Bleach certain body parts.
  • Contour my cheekbones.
  • Think “adulting” is an actual thing, and not just, well, a way of living.

This is because I’m quickly approaching 50. I’m tired. I’m practical. And I’m grateful, because I “can’t even” think of having to work this hard. And if you’re like me, we probably should hang out.

Like at the Nixon & Company “Old and Bold” Event!

Join us Thursday, November 1, for a special night of celebration for women in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond.

This is an event exclusively for mature women, who are too old to care, but too young to stop. So if you’ve lost your husband, soul mate, patience, or mind, you’ll want to be there.

But let us cut to the chase (that’s important at our age)

  • If your kids are in elementary school, this event is not for you.
  • If you hear “pamper” and think diapers – and not wine – you’re too young
  • If you’re coloring your hair to have fun, and not to cover gray, we don’t need your kind.

Instead, this is for you lovely ladies in your flirty 50s, sexy 60s, or sophisticated 70s, or for those already knocking on death’s door.

There will be apps and wine, shopping, beauty tips, Botox, apps, wine, shopping, Botox, good company, apps, and wine. Well, you get it.

There will also be real conversations that don’t involve Instagram, “Merica,” polyamorous relationships, or debate about who we identify as.

It’s a party for your people. People who understand rotary phones, busy signals, drinking from the hose, and manual transmissions. People who…

  • Pass by the neighborhood pool and think, “Oh thank God, I don’t have to go there.”
  • Flip consistently between Sirius Hits 1 and the 70s station.
  • Turn down the music in order to drive better.
  • Avoid having sex on top because of the view from the bottom.

Anyway, it’s a party for people who are shocked that Rose on the “Golden Girls” was only supposed to be 55! I know, right? I’m not lying – I get all my information from Yahoo Answers.

Join us in recognizing that old folks are old, but young folks are exhausting. Come make new friends, reconnect with old friends, or (who are we kidding) meet new old friends. Bring your maturity and your pragmatism. Sip wine. Sigh deep. Put up your feet and discuss the 80s, when life was good. We’ll see you there. But remember: We check IDs.